


Trouble in Fanni-dise

by BHC



Category: Hannibal (TV)
Genre: Cannibalism, Crack, Fourth Wall Breaking, Funny, Hannibal crack, Humor, Language, M/M, couple of f bombs, idea bouncing, starts out like every other hannigram fic, typical hannibal mentions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-05
Updated: 2015-02-05
Packaged: 2018-03-10 13:24:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3291872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BHC/pseuds/BHC
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's a typical Hannigram fic until someone has something to say</p>
            </blockquote>





	Trouble in Fanni-dise

**Author's Note:**

> While scrolling through Tumblr the other day, I saw a post by **imaginehanniballecter** saying _"I want a hannigram fic where will argues with the writer for putting him and hannibal in out of character ridiculously forced sexual situations and hannibal is just like ‘thanks for being a bro, writer’"_ [http://bhc89.tumblr.com/post/109930789017/imaginehanniballecter-i-want-a-hannigram-fic]. It sounded like fun so I took a whack at it. I know it made my bf/beta-reader chuckle.
> 
> Also on Deviantart [http://bhc89.deviantart.com/art/Trouble-in-Fanni-dise-511789582]

As always our story begins when Hannibal invited Will over to his fancy house for a fancy dinner involving an overly complicated meal served with a complimenting wine. And of course you know damn well the meat was all human and there'd be some hanky panky going on, and not just with matters of the brain.

Will made it to Hannibal's on time and took his place at the dining room table. Shortly after sitting down his host brought out the meal.

“Tonight we are having [ **I have no clue; insert something pretentious sounding** ],” Hannibal uttered as he placed a plate in front of Will.

Will looked slightly stunned at the small portion of food as Hannibal sat across from him. They took the first bite simultaneously.

“Mmmmm, this is delish,” he exclaimed. “I've never tasted anything like this before.”

'Of course you haven't,' the cannibal thought, amused by the idea and compliment.

“If I am not mistaken this is a kind of roast beef.”

“You are not mistaken, my friend. He was hand picked from a local farm. A magnificent specimen.” A slight chuckle, “Never seen such bull.” 'Atta boy, Hanni! He'd be in hysterics if Will was in on the story of the farmhand who'd tell the wildest tails, among other uncalled for actions, to some of Hannibal's patients while they were out drinking.

The dinner conversations was their typical dark and creepy metaphors, the topics of gloom and doom, and challenging each other intellectually; all that fun stuff.

With the last bite, Hannibal stood up to collect the plates, and asked, “Would you care for some dessert?”

Take a guess where this is going....

“That sounds delightful. What did you make tonight? I assume some kind of cake?”

Will turned to his 'friend' and found that Hannibal was standing rather close to him and that he was eye level with the older man's crotch.

He pulled out Will's chair and turned it, so Will's whole body was facing him. “No, Will, I had something else in mind.” He straddled Will and ran his fingers through the delicious brown curls. “We've discussed blood and gore, dear Will. You know what that does to me.” He felt himself get harder as he kissed up Will's neck and began to gently nibble his ear.

Will closed his eyes for moment and---

“Wait, stop, stop.”

“What's wrong?”

W: _*****_ _slight frantic hand movements*_ This! _This_ is all wrong...wha---why would this even happen? _*pushes Hannibal to the floor (where he lands with a loud thud)* *pulls out script—starts reading* “Will allows Hannibal to pull him upstairs and they immediately start undressing each other”_? This is completely uncanon and would never happen.

** What are you talking about? This kind of thing nearly happens in ever episode. **

W: No it doesn't.

H:  _ *stands up, straightens/smooths out clothes* _ Well, actually...

W:  _ *points finger* _ Don't!

** Look there is an obvious attraction between you two. The constant touching. Always talking about each other. Will, you live an hour away and are constantly driving the distance to go and see him....Don't even get me started on the tension and eye fucking. **

W: WHAT!? I  _ do not _ think of Hannibal in that kind of way.

H:  _ *Looks at script not paying attention to what is being said* *mumbles* _ I would never say such a thing....<font>

** Alright, whatever!  _You_ aren't hot for Hanni, but  _he_ is certainly hot for you. **

W: Say what?

H: * _ finally pays attention but _ _ says nothing and appears to be blushing* _

W:  _ *looks astounded at Hannibal* _ I knew there was more to the fondling, comforting, how you look at me, and constant dinner invitations!

** This is all the fans want: for you two to be honest and open about your feelings.... **

W: * _ flips through script again* _ You mean, the fans want us fucking

**_*_ _blushes*_ That....that is part of it; yes. **

H: I kind of like where this goes....

W: Of course you like where this goes. I end up with your cock in my mouth and tied to the bed.

** * _Giggles*_ Do you really think the roles reversed would be a good idea? **

H: Other than the wording, structure, and the atrocious excuse of a beginning and plot, this isn't too terrible, Will.

W: Says the man who in part two is going to hold me captive and torture me until I beg for sex.  _ *turns to me* _ What is wrong with you?

** Hey! I'm just working with what you're giving me. **

W: What we are----

** Obviously, Hannibal is some kind of love and/or sex starved sadist. **

H: I beg your pardon!

** There's no way in hell you aren't into some kind of S&M stuff. Don't try and play innocent with me. **

W: Where are the murders? The mysteries...drama; and all that?

H: That is a big part of things. I love getting my knife covered in blood.

**_*maniacal laughter*_ **

H: That wasn't a euphemism of any kind.

**_*still laughing*_ Oh, come on—that's clever. **

H: What is a Hannibal story without any kind of hollowed body made into some kind art piece?

** Well, nothing, I guess. We can do something with that--- **

W: Without the sex....

** Ok, now you're just trying to kill my buzz. **

_ *Mason Verger storms in* *Will and Hannibal look up, stunned* _

M: Why am I never involved in any of these?

** Go away, Mason! No one likes you! **

W:  _ *back at the script* _ Aaaannnnndddd, eventually, Chilton joins in.

H: Ok, yeah, that would never happen.

W: Not in a hundred years.

H: Not in a  _ million _ years.

** I'm just---- **

H&W: We know!!!

**_*sigh*_ So, are we continuing with this thing or not? **

W: No! No, no we will not continue. There is no way in hell I am sleeping with a cannibal!

H:  _ *stares astonished at Will* _

W: Yes, I know what you do. Yes, I'm aware of what the food really is. Your cute little puns don't really hide anything.  _ *looks down sheepishly* _ The food just looks and tastes so good....  _ *shakes head* _ Point is----I'm not going through with this. Call me when you have someone gutted and on display _ *slams down script/walks off* _

** Oh, come on! Can we at least have some fluff? **

W: NO!  _ *Peeks head around the corner* _ By the way,  _ your _ cannibal puns are terrible!

**_*Hurt-filled Gasp*_ **

H:  _ *looks confused* _ What should we do now?

** Well, there's always Jack. **

J: Pass

** Ummmm......Matthew? **

MB: Only if Will's involved

** Ok, well that's out. **

M: What about me?

Me&H: GET OUT OF HERE!

** * _Sigh*_ There's always reader **

H: What about Alana?

** I'm not too sure about that. Personally, I love Alana....have no issues with your relationship with her, but it's just...it's canon. It happened; not really..... a surprise....... **

H: And not what everyone wants, right?

** Well...... **

H: Actually, we should probably come back to this some other time. The mood has been killed anyway. Unless, I'm aloud to go hunting and Alana signs on, which by the way, that can be fertile ground, I'm calling it quits too. I'll be in my trailer if you need me.  _ *Walks off* _

** He's right. The thrill's kind of lost. Alright, ladies, gents, and variations there of, let's call it a night. **

_ *Lights go out* _

 

**Author's Note:**

> It really seems like Hannibal and Will channeled Mads and Hugh


End file.
